*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
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[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY