I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
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The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive