“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
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My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi: