My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
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Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Brother?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio