If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
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my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Netflix and awkward silence?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy