me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
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DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding