Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
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how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
knights of the ikea table
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me