* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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We have a winner.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war