If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
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Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Geez man, take it easy.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.