By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
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I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time