Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
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I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.