Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
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Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.