If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
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You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
is it earth
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.