You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
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Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed