“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
You Might Also Like
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I had to Stop for this
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm