Chemical wingman
You Might Also Like
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT