The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
You Might Also Like
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.