I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
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Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
get you a girl who
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days