People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
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Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
oh you wanna fight?!
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?