If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
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*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*