How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
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Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart