I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
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Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
#parenting
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
sigh
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
😂🤣😂🤣
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
this is the news I live for
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes