Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
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Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
#Caturday
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.