You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
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[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.