My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.