First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
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indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.