My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Stop it! 😂
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
We avoided this particular disaster
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Brb my Sims are getting married
Oh no
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.