[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
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Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
We need to put an American base on the sun
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form