Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
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Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
lmaaaaaooooooooo
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur