“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
early stone age tool