🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
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animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.