[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
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Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Actually cracking up @ this
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Punctuation Matters. Period.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.