[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
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ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Wait a minute…
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
*has no idea what a book even is*
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.