Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]