Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
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My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Hotels are back
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Breaking news:
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics