According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
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I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
A leaf blower, but for people.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.