Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
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There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep