How to properly lift a body
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Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I’m giving up ice.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes