Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
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“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Generation gap…
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??