It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
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I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you