Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
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*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
What the hell happened in there??
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are