*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
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To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Rather alarming headline…
Monica just destroyed the internet
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows