The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
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Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Just ordered me some pizza!
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…