My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
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warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers