Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
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I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
doing your own taxes
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*