Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
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The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
me adding lol on a serious message
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]