My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
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Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
How animals would run if they were human
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.