Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
You Might Also Like
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.