If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
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If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat