It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
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People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Worth the read.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
everyone has that one prude friend
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
💁🏻♂️
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: